We are all born into a world full of rules and norms:
Boys have short hair and girls play with dolls…
These rules don’t directly harm anyone, but they still exist.
We learn how to behave based on these social judgements from birth.
This goes beyond how we dress or what interests we have –
We also face a lot of social judgements about our behaviours.
For an autistic individual, this can be extremely challenging.
A person without autism might adjust their behaviour to fit the social labels and “fit in”: they might choose to play with the toy that is deemed suitable for their age and gender, or listen to the music their peers are listening to.
However, for an autistic individual, this is on a greater scale, as they often find some of these things more difficult than someone without autism.
For example, something like making eye contact can be exhausting, as it requires processing a lot of visual information while also trying to digest the conversation at the same time. But if someone criticises you for not doing so, because it’s seen as “rude” by social standards, a child will feel the need to adjust their behaviour to avoid the discomfort of doing something wrong. As a result, the list of things they must “fit in” with becomes much longer than for those without autism.
This then begins to affect many autistic traits, such as lack of eye contact, stimming, tone of voice, hobbies, and interests, which will be scrutinised under social norms and criticisms. An autistic individual may feel compelled to hide or change their traits, which can deeply impact their identity and sense of “self”.
Hence, many autistic individuals, especially those diagnosed later in adulthood, struggle to reconnect with their innate need to be their true selves. This often comes with a sense of grief, as they may feel they could have lived up to their full potential if their autism had been recognised and valued in childhood.
From a therapeutic standpoint, I strongly believe it is possible to regain one’s identity and sense of self as an autistic individual, particularly with a humanistic approach that emphasises individual needs and the innate potential to become the best versions of ourselves.
